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Plant Monitors, Russian Gulags, & Other Musings

Blogging is an interesting concept. In the storied history of man on this, our terrestrial ball, never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

Of course, I know that what I have to say is different.

Everyone probably clamors to read my latest eloquent status updates on the general state of affairs of my coffee plants as I literally watch them grow (or, more precisely, try to survive). What I have got to say is at least as interesting as watching a class-required, documentary buffer endlessly and probably slightly less frustrating, too (though, admittedly, I cannot compete with some of those cat video compilations). I heard that they actually have daily readings from this blog in some Russian gulags to extract information from prisoners, although I am confused why they choose my writings for this sort of activity. It must be all the charity and goodwill that wells up in the souls of these no-doubt well-treated prisoners that prompts them to tell their captors anything they want to know.

Speaking of Russian gulags, I recently had a birthday. My comrade in this project, Brent, gave me a plant monitor made by NORTH. It is basically an electronic, bluetooth-enabled device which is more or less potted with the plant it is monitoring and which registers at least four different plant stats throughout the day: moisture levels, sunlight exposure, soil fertility, and ambient temperature.

Yes, that is a thing. And yes, I was actually ridiculously excited for it.

I was madly jealous only a week prior to receiving this treasure after my exasperated wife turned down my caffeinated, puerile pleas and toddler-eske begging for this unit. Brent happened to be along with us on our weekly trip to the "Club"** and he bought one for himself and his coffee plants. I even explained to my otherwise typically rational wife that I wear a Fitbit so that I can quantify my life activities and assign them a numerical value. I like to know that I am winning and in what ways and by how much. This plant monitor would certainly allow me to achieve this, while also giving life to a beautiful and amazing plant. (**It probably warrants mention that the "Club" I refer to is Sam's Club. Since we typically shop for the week on a Friday night, I like to refer to it as, "going clubbing with the wife" to spice up my life in the eyes of those who pretend to care what I do. At any rate, it's cheaper than a real club and very nearly as entertaining).

"How," I asked, "will I know that I would be a good parent if I cannot even take care of a plant?" I reasoned with her.

My luddite wife was unmoved.

I pouted for a day and a half, just thinking about how Brent was more agriculturally technologically advanced. He was basically America with all its tractors, GPS systems, and large-scale production equipment - my antediluvian and primitive methods can only be compared to a North Korean rice farmer with a stick. How could I possibly compete? My only reasonable option was to destroy Brent and his plants.

That is, until today! Now, we are equals in terms of technology, without the threat of nuclear war! I now have one of these plant monitors for my own - it is currently collecting data as I write on Juan Valdez, I. As soon as I have some data to report, I will provide more thorough review of this technology.

That's all for now. I am going to go back and obsessively check the stats on my plants now for the rest of today.

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